Forever In My Heart
by aoimidori
Summary: Is it worth the hurt to remember? [Hitomi x Van]


**Title** Forever In My Heart  
**Author** aoimidori

**Pairing** Van Fanel x Kanzaki Hitomi  
**Rating** G / K  
**Genre** Major Angst  
**Timeline** 3 years after the series.

**Summary** Is it worth the hurt to remember?

**Disclaimer** I don't own anything. Except for the whole series in VCDs, plus _Escaflowne: A Girl in Gaea_. Van and Hitomi own each other. I also own a personal diary where in I gushed about the pairing when I first saw the movie. XD

**Notes** This was written so many years ago, when I was just starting to write fanfics. This was written in the middle of me writing my first ever fic, _Back to Nowhere_, which kinda sucked, btw, and was going to be multi-chaptered. It became one-shot after I realised I have no idea how I should continue. Major angst, I think. I liked writing angst back then. Kill me now if you think its a bit OOC, cause even _I_ think I bastardized the characters a bit. I just re-edit and re-proofed. Still hasn't been beta'd though, so all mistakes are mine. As usual, please point out typos. POV is a bit crappy I think. I also used to enjoy writing in 1st. oO I prefer 3rd now though, and I think I might have forgotten how to write in 1st. Unless blogging. :p R+R. I think the narrative is also a bit stilted. Keep in mind I was only 13 or 14 when I wrote this. ;

_x_ _Hitomi_

I looked out the window and stared beyond the stars. Empty space. My heart ached. Its been three years already. Three, long, agonizing years. Three years of loss.

I had just gotten home from school. I placed my duffle bag on my bed and sat down.

A tear trickled down my cheek. Remembering everything made no difference. It only made the hurt harder to push aside.

"Van," the single word rushed out as a soft whisper through my lips.

Not even a kiss... Not even a chance to say those three important words.

And what did I have of him? A feather. A soft, shiny, white feather which I kept in my memory box, wrapped in soft silk, sitting beside the tarot cards I never used again.

I sighed. Does he still think of me? Does he still remember? I have never forgotten and I doubted that I would.

I hugged my legs close to my chest and just continued crying. Why now? Why did I have to go and think back to that period of my life? Now when I was finally getting back to my life? Why?

Of course I knew why. For the last two years I kept myself busy. So busy that I would not have time to think it all out.

Why? So I will not go through what I went through during that first year. Depression. That was what. I had gone through an agonizing period of depression. My grades just started slipping, and my stats on the track team slid downwards.

And not just that. There was Yukari. Yukari Uchard, my best friend.

Yukari had worried herself about me. I knew this for sure, after that first year. No, I never told her. Not a word. Not a single word about him. Or about Fanelia. Or Gaea. Or anything else that had to do with him. 

_Him_. Van Slanzar de Fanel.

I still remember that day when Yukari came barging into my house, crying. That was a year after I met Van. I was surprised, of course. I did not know how I was supposed to react. 

"I'm sorry Hitomi!" my friend had said, flinging herself into my arms.

"Yukari..." was all I had been able to say.

She thought it was her fault. Her fault that I was such a joyless person. She thought it was her dating Amano, even though I had told her early on that it was okay with me. That I did not mind. She had still believed that it was that. But of course it wasn't.

She swore that she did not mean to fall in love with Amano. Nor persuaded Amano to fall in love with her. She told me that it all came naturally.

But then what she said next hit me hard.

She said that I was much more important to her than Amano. She said that her friendship with me will always mean more than her relationship with Amano. And then she promised... she promised that she will do anything so that she will get me back. 

No, she had not lost me, never. But I guess that was what she must have felt, for I had withdrawn myself from everything that I used to have.

Yukari said that she would be willing to stop a perfectly happy relationship with Amano if I was to be her friend again.

That had triggered my tear glands. I just started crying. I found it so hard to stop.

Was that what she had been feeling all along? Guilt? It tormented me that she had been feeling guilty while with Amano. That my friend wasn't purely happy because of me.

And that was when I decided that it was time to stop thinking too much. I was young, and there was still a lot out there for me. I decided to get back my life.

I told Yukari that it wasn't her and then made her promise that whatever happens, she would not break with Amano just because of me. I could never take it if she did that. I would feel even more unhappy and full of unneccessary guilt.

And so, she kept on dating him. But I guess she still felt a bit weird about it because she started setting me up with some guys. None of those ever lasted. Just the memory of _him_ was enough to drive a million pursuers away.

I decided I was being stupid. A fool. That I was making everyone around me as miserable as I felt. And so, for the past two years, I struggled to get my life back. To get back up on my own two feet. And I had succeeded.

For two years I made everyone believe that I was truly happy. But showing people that you are happy does not mean that you are really that happy. Sure, sometimes I really was happy. But I was never as happy as I pretended to be. I missed Van and there was always a certain part of me that was utterly miserable.

I tried forgetting, but that didn't work. Instead, I just pushed the memories of him in the farthest part of my mind... I guess I wasn't able to forget because I didn't really want to.

I hugged my knees tighter and let the tears continue to flow.

But then I quickly started wiping them away. I could not project myself into a miserable life again. Not now. It was the last day of school. Now, after high school, I'll soon be on my way to college. I plan to have the greatest time of my life.

But I can never have that unless I forget him. And I knew that I could never do that. I could not forget Van. Not him. Not Van. Not ever.

I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen from crying. I smiled sadly. I decided to take a time off from the pretenses I had woven so he will stay there, at the back of all my thoughts.

I picked up a comb and and straightened my hair. I had let it grown for the past 3 years but recently had it cut again back to the old boyish hairstyle I had when I was fifteen. When I first met him...

Nothing much had changed. I still even looked like the same old Hitomi Kanzaki. The same Hitomi Kanzaki that had cluelessly fallen in love with Van Fanel. The same Hitomi Kanzaki that was loved by Van Fanel. 

I did not realize that it will hurt more now. All the secluded feelings just came pouring out.

I could not, and would not, forget him. Never. Even now, I knew I still loved him. I could never forget that love. Never.

And then I did it. With all my heart, I wished to see him. I wished to be back in Gaea again. 

_x_ _Van_

I sighed.

The Mystic Moon was especially bright tonight.

_Does she think of me?_ I wonder.

I touched the pendant dangling from my neck. Tis was all I had left of her. This and a few sweet memories.

Why? Why did I tell her to leave when what I really wanted was for her to stay? Why? 

_Because you knew, that deep inside her, no matter how much she protested, it was what she really wanted_, a tiny voice said to me.

"Yes, and it was what should be," I whispered.

What should be...

"What are you doing now Hitomi?" I said out loud, staring hard at the bright moon where she came from, as if it could give me answers.

After three hard, laboring years, it was only now that I really stopped to think about her this much. Thoughts of her kept coming, yet I kept pushing them away.

I had led myself to believe that it was because I was busy with the rebuilding of Fanelia.

But in truth, I was simply hurt. And I thought that pushing her away wuld be the best solution. And yet it did nothing except add to the burden I was carrying.

Fanelia was now rebuilt, and with no excuse, I found myself missing her more and more.

"Lord Van?" a voice said behind me.

I turned to look.

It was Merle. She wasn't a child anymore. She had grown. Part of her fastly-gained maturity was probably because of the Great War.

"What's wrong Merle?" I asked.

My voice, it sounded different. More dignified. More courtly. I had changed too, I realized.

"Maybe I should be the one asking Lord Van," Merle purred, looking worried.

I sighed again.

"Its her isn't it?" Merle asked.

I was unable to speak.

"I should have known," Merle rolled her eyes.

I looked down, guilty about nothing.

"Hitomi, Hitomi, Hitomi... you never think about anything else do you?"

Silence.

"Don't you realize its time to move on, Van-sama?"

Still, no words came out my mouth.

"She's probably out there, on the Mystic Moon, living life as she used to. You should too Lord Van." 

Living as she used to? Has she forgotten me?

I was still without speech.

She sighed.

"I better leave you alone now," she said.

"You should probably," I agreed softly.

She exited the room, shaking her head.

I thought about what she had said. Get over? Move on? That meant forgetting Hitomi. I could never do that. I will never do that. Hitomi was -- _is_ a huge part of me. Of my life. I could not afford to lose such a treasured part of me. No, not her. Not the memory of her.

I had been so stupid when she was in Gaea before. I knew that she knew. I know that actions will always be better than words. But there is still a huge part of me that is regretting not being able to tell her that I loved, no _love_ her.

It was crazy, I knew. But I wished that she could be back on Gaea. I wished that we could be together. I wished with all my heart.

And then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bright light flash. A falling star.

Could it be? The last time a star as bright as that fell...

_x_ _fin._

**A/N** Is this OTT angst? Meh. TT Give me a shout out if it is. :p And as usual, FFN ruins the formatting. Pfft. Anyway, this was originally published in 2002, I think. Just check the _date published_ info at the top.

I probably won't be writing any more Van/Hitomi fics soon as I've moved on. Escaflowne will always remain a favorite, but I've found other fandoms now. I plan on rewatching it soon though, so just wait, maybe I'll get some inspiration. :D


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